@DestryBrod

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

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@susiezennario

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

@daemonic3

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

@jarry

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

@TheThomason

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

@BellesJar

Everybody thinks Australians are laid back until one of us is standing over you with a chainsaw asking you to pronounce Aluminium correctly.

@spies_please

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

@ThePocketJustin

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

@Megatronic13

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*