This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

You Might Also Like


Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400


*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.


What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?


[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry


Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.


Everybody thinks Australians are laid back until one of us is standing over you with a chainsaw asking you to pronounce Aluminium correctly.


CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions


Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.


{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*