This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.