this FaceApp is creepy af
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes