This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.


what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose


A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.


why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs


Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.


Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.


Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.


I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story


Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”


What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end