This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
What a website
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE