@Tbone7219

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

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@Try2StopME

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

@Kalarlis

what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose

@ReelQuinn

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

@morninggloria

why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs

@maughammom

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

@TweetPotato314

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

@Bob_Janke

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

@BarryVonAwesome

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

@ronnypascale

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

@Shancakess

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end