This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
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*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day