Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
This fall on Fox:
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
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WD-40 is an essential oil.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?
The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.