Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that.
*slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*
I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.