This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
In space, no one can hear…
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Aight bet
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year