*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*