@MommaUnfiltered

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

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@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

@215potter

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

@notmythirdrodeo

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

@stevevsninjas

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

@HarmonyRambles

Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that.

*slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*

@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

@jonnysun

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

@13spencer

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

@notfaizzy

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.