This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

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*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*


the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!


[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”


Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive


[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me


[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours


me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that


This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan


*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*