So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The options really are this bad
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf