@_breannuh

This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit

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@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@SarahKannenberg

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

@robfee

Sorry Im late, I was staring at a wall for an hour thinkin about how delicious that pizza looked on Home Alone 2 when Kevin got in the limo.

@HushJared

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

@NickBossRoss

Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

@goonxiety

Someone’s only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.

@Naked_Superman

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

@novicefather

I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.

My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.