Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit
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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Sorry Im late, I was staring at a wall for an hour thinkin about how delicious that pizza looked on Home Alone 2 when Kevin got in the limo.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Someone’s only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.
My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.