This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it