SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
thank god the sign was there
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.