This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending