GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
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My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin