@COCAVELI

This generation sucks but does it swallow

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@KatMcSnatch

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

@OldsDad

I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed

@IamEnidColeslaw

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

@NewDadNotes

Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back

@JustDontBugMe

M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!

@KyleMcDowell86

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

@ConanOBrien

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.