@kIarkie

This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color

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@murrman5

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

@MoistPork

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@Asbo_Unicorn

It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@Wine_Honey1

When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

@form52

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

@BuckyIsotope

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*