In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.
This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color
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ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Them: I’m so sorry!
Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
This salad tastes like I’m about done with my New Year’s Resolution.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live