[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color
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ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
ME: but what?
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip
A long time ago….
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
When girls ask if I’m good in bed, I tell them “Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours”.
[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape