*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.
COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
SATAN: welcome to hell
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*