@kIarkie

This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color

You Might Also Like

@jjhartinger

In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.

@upsidedowntrash

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

@LittleMissAngr1

Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.

@Marlebean

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@WorkaholicBlake

Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.

@momTruthBomb

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

@Snarfernini

This salad tastes like I’m about done with my New Year’s Resolution.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live