This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*