ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”