“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together