This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
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I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Don’t tell me what to do
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”