Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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The Last Dance just keeps getting better
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Not even remotely sorry.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.