This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth

Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.

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First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?


[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?


People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”


[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor


So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head


The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.


Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.


She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*


Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?


[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop