@Mr_Kapowski

This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth

Cool. You don’t need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.

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@envydatropic

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

@thejessbess

People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

@Bentono10

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head

@GymVsTheVolcano

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

@CrackYouWhip

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

@sad_tree

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

@TheAlexNevil

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

@AnOrangeSNES

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop