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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*