absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The news
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Lmfao
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.