This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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At least try to make it slightly believable
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Have a lovely day 😊
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.