This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
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Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!