This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*


[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*


Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.


If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.


My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.


Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.


Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?