@DirtMcTurd

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

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@TheBoydP

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

@samalmightysam

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@GoldenSpirals

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

@Jandalize

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.

@vancitybarbie

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?