This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
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“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead