Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Buying a well is money well spent.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?