famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Name another movie that mislead you?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…