My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
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DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”