This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
You Might Also Like
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.