@IvoryGazelle

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

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@RunOldMan

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

@alovablenerd

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

@wolfpupy

if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world

@misfarber

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

@JB4Realz

Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.

@SweetBlueNote

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@InternetHippo

ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
[flashback]
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot

@perlhack

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss