This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
It was worth a shot 😂
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
it must be school picture day
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?