One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides
That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss