Friend: *passes me her newborn baby*
Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
You Might Also Like
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet