This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.