This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.