*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.
On Friday…Canada attacks.
my parents: how come you never socialize with the family?
me: *sits with family*
me: *gets insulted by entire family*
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun