Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
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Feels
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I am crying
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”