@mackswift

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

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@lilgapeach32

Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda’s back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly…

@MKupperman

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

@thatUPSdude

Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school

Cop;…….

Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?

@ItsAndyRyan

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Hi
Kid:
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.

@Sickayduh

Accountant: Mr Cage, you are flat broke.

*flashback to applying for a loan wearing John Travolta’s face*

Nick Cage: I already handled it

@skickwriter

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

@thatUPSdude

Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.

Sincerely;
Guys

@inmyimage007

You know how when you put both earphones in you’re pretty much unapproachable?

Yeah, my kids missed that memo