“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
finally
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”