This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
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Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Just parrot things
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there