This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Ummm
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
time machine? you mean a clock?
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
(2022)
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On