This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply