I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
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We get it, painters: you love naked women and bowls of fruit.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
How to propose marriage:
1. Drive to bridge
2. Jump off