This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
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They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING