Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Leaving the Barbers like
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March