This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
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Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
cyclists
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.