This guy must be getting annoyed by now
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
just witnessed a drug deal
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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