@_Mo_lee_: This guy next to me thinks I'm flirting, but really I'm just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
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@BoozeWallet: [walking through park with date] Did u know there's more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange [blood is just pouring from my mouth]
@shkeeber: Nephew: Really?! Me: Yup! Go for it! N: *runs into wall* Me: *takes pic* N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts? Me: No, we'll try again later.
@jackmackenroth: If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.