This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
i dont have time for this
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.