This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
181.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!