This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
she has a point
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.