This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.