Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
How your email finds me
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
LMAO.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.