Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.
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my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn’t trust us
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard