@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.

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@man_spach

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

@dadmann_walking

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

@MarfSalvador

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

@Jake_Vig

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

@fro_vo

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager