This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

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handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.




me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?


People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.


Dad! I found great Black Friday deals on Amazon!

Pffft… Back in my day, we used to walk barefoot in the snow to Walmart, both ways, stampede, elbow, and tackle other shoppers to the ground just to get good a deal on a toaster


Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I’m gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355

Bring ice cream too


Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.


[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.


[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.


For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it


One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.


Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.