This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
good work, everybody
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse