@SJSchauer

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

You Might Also Like

@TheAndrewNadeau

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

@Jandalize

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@Llama5x

Dad! I found great Black Friday deals on Amazon!

Pffft… Back in my day, we used to walk barefoot in the snow to Walmart, both ways, stampede, elbow, and tackle other shoppers to the ground just to get good a deal on a toaster

@Snarfernini

Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I’m gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355

Bring ice cream too

@Kyle_Lippert

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

@dafloydsta

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

@Smug_Lemur

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

@ChicksRule

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

@simoncholland

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

@sir_shithead_I

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.