This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer: