*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.