@Darlainky

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

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@TheMichaelRock

HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.

@pinupteacher

So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*

What do you mean, like a sandwich?

@TheWeirdWorld

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

@sannewman

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

@Parkerlawyer

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

@FilthyRichmond

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

@CountOnVic

Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations