This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

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HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.


So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*

What do you mean, like a sandwich?


With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.


Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.


Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.


The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.


gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is


Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations