@Darlainky

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

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@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

@Cheeseboy22

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

@CornOnTheGoblin

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

@Kevaclysm

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

@DanMentos

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

@iQuoteComedy

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.