I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.