@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

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@flashember

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

@EndhooS

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

@CornOnTheGoblin

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

@faiza__tg

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

@juliecursively

HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?

@ArfMeasures

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

@clemdytan

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

@juliagalef

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

@MrEmilyHeller

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy